...I don't know why  

Posted by Laya in

I know you're gone, but you're still there
like the wallpaper on my monitor, hidden under all the icons and notes
surfacing clearly for a moment, just after the hard drive boosts
and before the surface clutter appears.

I remember you in the mornings, when I'm waking up
when drowsily I turn for a moment and reach out
before I realize you are, after all, not there.

I remember you in the evenings, before I fall asleep
when I keep thinking there's something I forgot to do
before I remember you're not there to say "good night" to.

I remember you in the exultant moments of my life,
when I turn around looking for someone to share it with
before I remember there's no you to tell about it...

I remember you most when I am blue, for that is
when I am reminded that despite everything I do
before I let myself remember, there's no you.

There are many things that I have said
wishing you would not believe them,
wishing that you would be clever enough to see
that underneath the cruelty... that's not who I should be.

I pushed you away, hoping that you would be strong enough
to run after me and hold me until I stopped struggling
but instead you believed me
when I said I didn't need you.

I set you free, because I believed that I should not chain the one I love
because I wanted you to find your wings and learn to fly,
because I wished that despite knowing that you were free
you would still come back to me.
How would I know
you would really run away when I let you go?

Instead of holding you I opened my hands
believing that the one I love should be whole
should be a complete person, knowing himself,
able to stand beside me with his head high;
instead it seems you just wanted
the safety of a silken prison.

So I tried
to tell myself I do not deserve your lies,
much less do I deserve one
who is not man
enough to fight for what he should have
or aim beyond what he thinks he can...

But each time I am on the verge of forgetting
your memory surfaces like a pebble sudden dropped
into the waters of a pool...
and I do not know
if I should curse my mind for deceiving itself
for certainly I should not believe anymore
in portents and celestial nudges
knowing that the last time I did
you happened to me
and I have wondered ever since
if I should regret it.

Here you are, on the heels of your memory
and I do not know
if I should laugh or cry
knowing that you are there
within reach
but so far that you might as well
be gone forever...

This entry was posted at Tuesday, August 11, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

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